Friday, July 07, 2006

How To Conduct a Counter-Terrorism Press Conference

In light of the news today concerning this terrorist plot headline and the subsequent press conference on TV, I have concluded that there exists an un-publicized memo in the hands of all authorities that outlines the proper way to conduct these press briefings. Though my reconstruction may be in slightly different words, I think I have formulated the majority of the original document birthed with 9/11.

1. As many levels of governing authority and law enforcement as possible should be present and included in a speaking role in the announcement.

2. All of the speakers who step to the podium (more is better) should repeat the news of what has just taken place.

3. Language should be stern. Faces must be grim.

4. The American flag must be visible (otherwise you may be accused of lacking patriotism.) You cannot have too many American flags (see also the aftermath of the 2000 Presidential Election.)
5. Terrorists are not "alleged." They are guilty until proven innocent.

6. All cities should conduct press conferences with strong rhetoric on terrorism. Even if terrorists could not find your town using Google, this rhetoric will help your re-election.

7. No matter how delighted you are to be on national TV, you must act perturbed to be taking questions from the press.

8. If there are not many details you can reveal, just be repetitive. Remember that the longer you speak the more times the television network can replay the loop of footage they have of likely unrelated "terrorist" events or the ever-important terrorist training camp.

9. "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer. "I can't comment on that," however, makes you look supremely in control.

10. No news is too small. Any plans classified as terrorism are newsworthy.

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